Sunday, August 16, 2009

Yada, yada, yada.........

It occurs to me that lately, I haven't really written anything myself on this blog. Shared a few articles that I personally liked....but nothing original from me. There's a reason for that, I suppose. Maybe just laziness.....but it's more than that.

I have been fighting with negative personal feelings. You wouldn't know it by seeing me during the day, or at work, or even at home or church. But inside my head. I really wonder at times if I'm clinically depressed. There are times when the things I really enjoy, don't seem to mean much to me. On TV commercials you hear that that is one of the symptoms of depression. I believe I'm depressed because of the poor decisions I've made over the years, and the consequences and repercussions of those decisions. Also, I am not confident in myself and my abilities. In truth, I have very few abilities. I'm not handy at anything. I don't hunt, fish, or do any other outdoor activities that would be associated with being a man.

And perhaps there is the root of it. Growing up, really, from age 8 to 16 without a dad around. Oh, Mom had guys she dated, one long-term, but none of them invested in me real time and effort. Simply put, I wasn't their son, so I didn't matter.

This is coming off as a pity party. I'm sorry for that, but I am telling the truth as I see it. I am the type of person...that when something negative happens, there are two ways to go: rise above it, or let it sink you. 99% of the time, I let it sink me. Because I simply DO NOT KNOW HOW TO OVERCOME IT. Most everyone else I know seems to have the innate ability to know what to do in any given situation. I don't. Plus add to that, the fact that I really don't want to offend anyone (yet I seem to quite a lot), and that's a recipe for a messed up human being. I wish I had listened to, and learned from, the people in my life. I didn't. I went my own way, and where I am now is a result of that. No one did it to me. I did it to myself. There are times though that I wish someone cared enough for me to offer real practical help in any and all areas. I need help. Some of it is I just don't know what to do in particular situations. It's as simple as that......but frustrating to me. But at my age (44) I'm supposed to know how to handle everyday life. If I were a drug addict, or a drunk, or any number of other things that you can get help for these days, then I'm sure I could receive help. But my current state is one that has been many years in the making, and if I were to share all of it with people, they would say that I just need to work harder, do what's right, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, blah blah blah. To me, in my head, IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE. If it were, I would not have written this post.

This is just me venting. I have no illusions that anyone else will read these words. I guess I'm still bitter about losing my factory job. There was supposed to be options for schooling and retraining. I didn't know how to 'work the system,' so I missed out on that......and now I work at Walmart, and my wife has been unemployed for almost A YEAR.....and I feel like I'm sinking ever deeper into a bottomless hole that is suffocating me little by little.

I'm scared. Scared of losing my wife, my family, my friends, my church, my home....scared of losing everything. If people understood and knew, REALLY knew, me........they wouldn't like me. Why?

-I have a smart mouth. I use it to say mean things.
-I'm a selfish b******. Have been selfish ever since I can remember.
-I am a cynical person. A real downer. No fun to be around.
-I may know facts, but otherwise, I'm not very smart.

Okay. Enough self-loathing for now.

Someone,.......anyone.......please help me.

I'm sinking.....further and further down.


Tony and Heather Snyder said...

YOu say everyone else seems to know how to rise above it. However, I'm sure people have said that about you. Everyone has said I will be a great mother (I'm sure you would say it too :) ). However, the other day when I had a really frustrating and sorta scary day b/c I could not figure out how to help my child...I felt like the worst mother in the world. I was ready to take her back to hospital and say "here you have to take her back, I'm not ready for this." The next day was a MUCH better day. Not for my daughter necessiaryly but for me it was. But it wasn't anything I was completely God. He had taken the time that morning to help me put her and myself back in his hands.

You are never going to be able to rise above your fear and doubts about yourself on your own. That is because every negative feeling you have about yourself is from Satan. You will never be able to conqure him on your own. You must rely on God to bring you above it. In his sight you are beautiful because you are his.

My Pastor told me right after Addilece was born the Children are an image of God. I love that...I love to look at her face and see Gods wonderful and marvioulos work. The truth is we are all an image of God but Satan has so distorted us through sin that we no longer see the beauty God sees. God thinks you are amazing and beautiful. He loves you deeply....rediscover that love that he has for you!

Anonymous said...

I just read "Yada, yada, yada . . ." tonight, August 30.
I am not one to offer advice (I think), but I sometimes also get what seems totally depressed. For me, being female, this may have to do with the big M, but I have found that on some no-energy, very low days I am usually able to just lie on the couch and say, "O.K., God . . . I can be depressed today." Because I know from past experience that "This too shall pass." I just wait until it does. And it does.
Caring (and occasionally crying),

Anonymous said...

By the way, I chose "anonymous" not because I want to be anonymous (I signed my name) . . . but because I'm too lazy to figure out all this blog ID stuff.

Anonymous Again

Anonymous said...

I remembered one more thing. Here is a poem I wrote when I was depressed several years ago. I knew it was rummaging around in the back of my brain for a long time, but as I told a friend at work, I'd have to wait until I was depressed to write it. I got depressed. I wrote it. Perhaps it will help you.

Please consider it as copyrighted material and do not use it or pass it on without my permission.


Lord, when words of praise I seek,
But, instead, I’m told I’m weak,
Keep me quiet in my loneliness.

When I do the best I can,
But no one will understand,
Keep me quiet in my loneliness.

When I seem to light the fire
Of his anger and his ire,
Keep me quiet in my loneliness.

When with each passing day,
I see my youth go slipping ’way,
Keep me quiet in my loneliness.

Although by others I’m surround,
I can’t seem to find my ground.
Keep me quiet in my loneliness.

As I look around and see
Others living joyfully,
Keep me quiet in my loneliness.

When I wonder what’s in store,
Or if time will be no more,
Keep me quiet in my loneliness.

When I stop to contemplate
The unfairness of my fate,
Keep me quiet in my loneliness.

You, who suffered most of all
Upon your holy name I call.
Keep me quiet in my loneliness.

Quiet loneliness.

– – v wood,
December 28, 1993