It occurs to me that lately, I haven't really written anything myself on this blog. Shared a few articles that I personally liked....but nothing original from me. There's a reason for that, I suppose. Maybe just laziness.....but it's more than that.
I have been fighting with negative personal feelings. You wouldn't know it by seeing me during the day, or at work, or even at home or church. But inside my head. I really wonder at times if I'm clinically depressed. There are times when the things I really enjoy, don't seem to mean much to me. On TV commercials you hear that that is one of the symptoms of depression. I believe I'm depressed because of the poor decisions I've made over the years, and the consequences and repercussions of those decisions. Also, I am not confident in myself and my abilities. In truth, I have very few abilities. I'm not handy at anything. I don't hunt, fish, or do any other outdoor activities that would be associated with being a man.
And perhaps there is the root of it. Growing up, really, from age 8 to 16 without a dad around. Oh, Mom had guys she dated, one long-term, but none of them invested in me real time and effort. Simply put, I wasn't their son, so I didn't matter.
This is coming off as a pity party. I'm sorry for that, but I am telling the truth as I see it. I am the type of person...that when something negative happens, there are two ways to go: rise above it, or let it sink you. 99% of the time, I let it sink me. Because I simply DO NOT KNOW HOW TO OVERCOME IT. Most everyone else I know seems to have the innate ability to know what to do in any given situation. I don't. Plus add to that, the fact that I really don't want to offend anyone (yet I seem to quite a lot), and that's a recipe for a messed up human being. I wish I had listened to, and learned from, the people in my life. I didn't. I went my own way, and where I am now is a result of that. No one did it to me. I did it to myself. There are times though that I wish someone cared enough for me to offer real practical help in any and all areas. I need help. Some of it is I just don't know what to do in particular situations. It's as simple as that......but frustrating to me. But at my age (44) I'm supposed to know how to handle everyday life. If I were a drug addict, or a drunk, or any number of other things that you can get help for these days, then I'm sure I could receive help. But my current state is one that has been many years in the making, and if I were to share all of it with people, they would say that I just need to work harder, do what's right, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, blah blah blah. To me, in my head, IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE. If it were, I would not have written this post.
This is just me venting. I have no illusions that anyone else will read these words. I guess I'm still bitter about losing my factory job. There was supposed to be options for schooling and retraining. I didn't know how to 'work the system,' so I missed out on that......and now I work at Walmart, and my wife has been unemployed for almost A YEAR.....and I feel like I'm sinking ever deeper into a bottomless hole that is suffocating me little by little.
I'm scared. Scared of losing my wife, my family, my friends, my church, my home....scared of losing everything. If people understood and knew, REALLY knew, me........they wouldn't like me. Why?
-I have a smart mouth. I use it to say mean things.
-I'm a selfish b******. Have been selfish ever since I can remember.
-I am a cynical person. A real downer. No fun to be around.
-I may know facts, but otherwise, I'm not very smart.
Okay. Enough self-loathing for now.
Someone,.......anyone.......please help me.
I'm sinking.....further and further down.